


Four Times Josh Hides Away, One Time Tyler Doesn’t Let Him

by Pache_etah



Category: BLURRYFACE - Twenty One Pilots (Album), Twenty One Pilots
Genre: 5+1 Things, Angst, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Depression, F/M, Fear, Gen, Hallucinations, Hurt/Comfort, Josh Dun-centric, Josh is Sad, Paranoia, References to Addiction, Sad Josh, Schizophrenia, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Smoking, because I'm a lazy uncreative sack of shit lmao, except its 4 instead of 5, not really schizo just a voice in Joshs head, platonic Joshler, still kinda schizo to be safe, this was suppose to be based on 'doubt' but it all spiraled downhill
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-04
Updated: 2019-01-04
Packaged: 2019-10-02 13:14:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,856
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17264831
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pache_etah/pseuds/Pache_etah
Summary: In which Josh goes insane and Tyler lets it happen.





	1. First Time;

  
  
  
Josh liked twitter.

Stalking his fans was one of his favorite hobbies as he always had so much free time on the tour bus.

Although he'd like to be spending that free time with Tyler, he knows its best if he leaves him be. Especially during these last few months of the tour, when writing becomes particularly important and he'd prefer being alone.

It's for the best, though. Josh would rather not tarnish something as beautiful has Tyler's art.

He lets out an audible sigh and stops his train of thought before it can spiral downwards.

_'Ugly, ugly thing. Ruining such a beautiful beautiful person.'_

Josh groans and continues scrolling down his twitter feed, occasionally checking out certain tags (that may or may not pertain to him).

It feels like an eternity that he's been sitting in the not-so-comfortable chairs in the buses kitchen and his butt is starting to hurt from the terrible position he's in. Curled up with his knees to his chest as if he's hiding from something. Yet he's got nothing to hide from.

While looking at the 'twentyonepilots' tag he sees plenty of amazing fanart. It's so cool to see how skillful the clique is and how much time and effort they put in just to draw _them_. But a certain post stands out to him while scrolling and he can't help but stop and stare for a moment.

Its a drawing of Tyler with his beautiful ukulele and the beautiful black ink that stains his neck and hands. He's wearing his kimono too, excepts it's incredibly long and extends onto the stage floor behind him dramatically.

_'Look how everyone sees Tyler. He's everything you're not and everything you'll never be. All you do is drag him down. Disgusting.'_

The words feel like venom sinking into his brain. He drops his phone with another groan of annoyance and grips his temples out of pure frustration. _Annoying, annoying, annoying! Get out my head, get out my hea-_

"Josh, you good? Did you break something?" A familiar voice sounds and the red-haired boy looks up just in time to see his friend peak around the corner.

"Erm, ye- uh, yeah. I'm fine, hit my toe. Sorry if I disturbed you."

"Nah, was getting some pretty rough writers block anyway. By the way, Mark texted and asked if you'd want to come to Taco Bell with us." Tyler comes completely from around the corner and takes a seat at the booth across from Josh.

Josh hates making these type of decisions. Should he really go? What if he's only being invited because the crew feels bad. What if he's a drag? It would be safer to stay in his bunk where he can't bother anyone. But being alone is something Josh doesn't think he can do right now.

"Uh, yeah, I'll, uh, go. What time?"

"He said we would all leave when he gets back, so probably a few more minutes." Tyler yawns and stretches his arms before sliding out of the booth. "Oh, Josh. By the way, are you okay?"

The question makes him jump. He turns to face the standing boy.

"Why do ya ask that?"

Tyler starts to laugh. "Dude, you've got yourself stuffed into the corner of the booth with your knees to your chest!"

Josh likes it when Tyler laughs so he laughs along with him, although it's not completely honest.  
  


"Hey guys, we're back from the venue. Y'all ready for taco bell? I also heard there's this tiny gift shop in this town worth visiting." Mark and Jenna enter the bus, grabbing the attention of the two band members.

"Mhm, we're ready." Tyler moves to grab his jacket as the weather wasn't exactly ideal. "Oh, Mark. Did you send me the pictures of the venue? It looks good right?"

"Damnit! Totally forgot dude, sorry. I'll send you them later tonight. The venue does look really nice though."

Josh sees the two men along with Jenna move towards to exit and decides against grabbing his jacket, he knows that even if he runs to his bunk and back they'd already be gone.

_'Look at poor Joshie. So easily forgettable.'_

"Stop, please." He groans under his breath and picks up his dropped phone, following closely behind the trio after closing the door behind them.  
  


______________________________  
  


Tyler is worried.

Him, Josh, Mark, and Jenna were making their way to the gift shop Mark had mentioned earlier.

While walking, Tyler can't help but take note of the fact that Josh is slowly but surely starting to drift away from the group. He's been seeing that a lot lately.

Josh tucking himself deeply into the corner of the booth in the tour buses kitchen.

Josh rarely ever participating in conversations with the crew or when they're out with friends.

Josh heading straight to bed after a show.

Tyler knows exactly what he's doing; trying to make himself seem small and inadequate. The more he thinks about it, the more 'worried' feels like an understatement. 

As Jenna and Mark were having their own conversation now, he decides now would be the perfect time to have a quick chat with his friend.

Tyler turns around swiftly to talk to his friend, but before he gets a chance to get a word out, he notices how the male is looking down in a sort of melancholic way as if he was in his own world. He wants to wrap his arms around Josh and tell him that he knows how dangerous thoughts can be and that he'll always be there for him but he just stares, unable to voice his concern.

"Alright, boyos and gorls. We're here." Mark stretches out his arms in excitement before the picturesque building.

"Ahh, finally someplace warm." Jenna sighs in relief, entering the shop quickly.

"Josh, you coming?" Are the only words that seem to be able to leave his lips.

"Mmh." A muffled sound of approval.

And if Josh is shaking with fear of what's inside his head, Tyler tells himself it's because of the frigid Autumn weather and nothing more.

________________________________

"Look at the size of this clock, bro!" Mark waves his hands energetically, pointing to an antique grandfather clock.

"Haha, Mark, it's not that big. Have you never seen a clock like this before?" Tyler walks up behind his friend.

"Pshh, yeah. Totally..." The lie obvious in his tone.

Tyler lets out a cackle and responds with a "Yeah, right."

Josh watches and wonders when was the last time he made his best friend laugh like that. Not in a while, he thinks.

_'You're unfunny. Not to mention boring to be around. Know why Tyler doesn't talk to you anymore?'_

"I-" Josh opens his mouth but no words come out. He finds himself an empty aisle to tuck himself away in. Didn't want his friends to see him talking to himself.

_'Know why he can't stand being around you anymore?'_

"Please, don't do this. Not when I'm with friends."

_'They're not your friends. They couldn't care less about you, and quite frankly they don't even need you. Such a burden on all of them. The world would be a better place with you gone.'_

The voice bites back at him and his head _hurts_. Feels like his brain is bouncing around in his skull and he finds himself struggling to stay standing up.

 _Got to get outta here_. Josh moves to release his tight grip from the shelf in front of him, immediately feeling his head spin and his heart pound. His first idea is to find Tyler. Memories of when he'd comfort him and rub his back in delicate circles after having an anxiety attack quickly polluted by the thought of him looking at him with bothered and judging eyes, shrugging him away.

When Josh leaves the aisle, he turns and see's Tyler alone looking at teabags. The ache for comfort from his friend makes his bones throb. It wouldn't be too bad if he's alone, right?

He almost makes his way over to the man, that is, until a beautiful blond walks up beside him. She shows Tyler something in her hand before pecking him on the cheek, the brunette giggling in response.

As quickly as someone with barely functioning legs can, he makes his way in the other direction; hoping to find a bathroom to cry and rip his hair out in.

Tyler sees it all happen from the corner of his eyes.

By the time Jenna's done talking, Josh is gone and its already too late.  
  


 


	2. Second Time;

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Josh picks up some bad habits.

 

 

The Blurryface Tour was coming to an end.

There was only a week until the two boys and the rest of the crew were able to head home, visit their families, etcetera. Of course, this left everyone feeling excited and buzzed. They had come so far.

Except for Josh.

Josh felt a whole lot of emptiness and confusion.

"Josh?" The red-haired boy blinks then looks up.

"Your doctor just called. It's about your prescription."

Josh looks up at his best friend, suddenly interested. "What did he say?"

"He said something about refilling your antidepressants? I thought you didn't take those anymore." Tyler tries to look nonchalant about the whole ordeal but the last time he remembers Josh being on antidepressants was 2013. Tyler knew something wasn't exactly right with his friend but he didn't think that whatever was going on was bad enough for medication. What really has him down is the fact that he hadn't talked to him about anything prior. Didn't seem like Josh felt like talking to anyone about anything in general.

"Oh, erm. Don't worry about that. Probably just a, a mistake." Josh reads Tyler like a book. The last thing he wants is for him to be worried. Especially about him.

"Are you sure-" A ring. "It's Jenna." Tyler looks down at his phone then back up to the melancholy man. "I'm always here, Josh. Please remember that." And then he's off, leaving a sour taste in Josh's mouth.

As soon as he sees his friend disappear into the buses recording room, He grabs his coat from his bunk and he's out the door.

_I'll be back in a flash._

He tells himself.

 _Just a few minutes._  
  


__________________________  
  


"Maybe I should go back.." Josh mumbles to no one in particular. He had gone out to take a walk to the pharmacy but ended up two blocks away with a cigarette in his hand. He hadn't meant to, he swears.

_'Yeah, run back to Tyler smelling of tobacco and watch him drop you in a second. Not only are you a worthless sack of shit but now you're a worthless sack of shit with a nicotine addiction.'_

"I'm not addicted. This is my last pack."

_'Denying, denying, denying. Seems like the only thing you're good at.'_

The voice fades away with a laugh that burns his heart and stings his brain. With a half-hearted sigh, Josh takes a drag from his cigarette before tossing it on the ground and stomping it.

He was meant to pick up his prescription but what's one more week without some stupid pills.  
  


Its 4 missed calls and 2 hours later when Josh decides to head back to the tour bus. The sun had already set and since it was pretty dark he decided to take his hoodie off, the light autumn breeze feeling nice through his hair.

It's a feeling Josh hasn't felt for a while, actually; taking walks by himself. Ever since Twenty One Pilots became a larger band, It was difficult to find any alone time. And even with the darkness buzzing in the back of his mind he still feels as if this is when he's most happy.

He closes his eyes and exhales deeply.  
  


__________________________  
  
  


Josh doesn't get back until around 11:00 that night. Of course, he'd spent more time out than he had planned. Tired and weak, he takes off his shirt (he hates the smell) and slides into his bunk.

_'Joshie.'_

He closes his eyes a little harder as if that'd help him sleep.

_'Joshie, you know what happens when you sleep.'_

Silence.

_'Josh, answer me. You know I don't like it when you ignore me.'_

"Not tonight, please." It's a low, pathetic mumble.

 _'Fine. Go to sleep. I'll be waiting for you in your nightmares.'_ It's a yell that makes him jump and shake underneath his sheets.

Anxiety rattles his bones and fright leaves him unnerved and restless.  
  


.  
  


Early the next morning the stage crew along with the two band members are awake early in preparation for their final concert of the tour. This Thursday morning was supposed to be spent eating pancakes and packing up all their belongings, but of course, they _had_ to have some sort of technical difficulties (it's always the lights) leaving them spending more than half the morning trying to figure out how to fix the problem.

Both Tyler and Josh had tickets for flights that would depart two hours after their concert in Philadelphia.

Tyler was going back to Ohio to spend time with family.

Josh was going back to California to be alone.

and Josh feels _bitter_. Bitter like the cigarettes he's started smoking.

Bitter like the voice in his head that feeds him negative thoughts and spikes his anxiety.

But Tyler was the opposite. Tyler was so open and patient. Always offering him help, always asking if he was okay or if he ate anything that day. It's almost sickening when he comes to the realization that Tyler doesn't need him, but he so desperately needs Tyler.

 _Another loop, another downward spiral, another loop-_. Josh can't tell if it's himself repeating that or the darkness in his brain. He was supposed to be adjusting his drums, making sure the sound was alright but now his knees feel weak and his chest so tight. It takes all his energy (from 0 hours of sleep and 4 cups of coffee) to make it backstage and to the dressing room without anyone giving him sideways glances or suspecting something was wrong.

_'Another downward spiral.. Joshie, you're doing this to yourself. All in your head, Josh. Its all in your head.'_

Everything was so loud. So, so _loud!_ The searing voices in his mind along with the banging of metal on the stage echoed through his brain and bounced off his skull. He shakes and heaves and he's ready to scream for it all to end.

Knocking.

"J, are you in there? Are you ok?" Tyler's voice. Everything starts to quiet down.

"I..." A shaky breath in.

"What's going on, Josh? I'm comin' in." Tyler's concern.

"Don't-, Tyler, I-" The door handle stops moving and Josh tries to regulate his breathing.

"'m fine, Ty. Jus' ch-choked on water." Steady. Everything is steady. The voices are at bay.

"Oh, sorry, J. Guess I overreacted, heh."

"No, no. It's... fine. Think the stage crew needs you though." Josh lets out an inaudible sigh and curls into himself deeper.

"They need you too, Jish. Come out when you can."  
  


_Come out when you can._  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pls remember to read the tags and have a good day


	3. Third Time;

  
  


Josh feels dazed.

Which isn't necessarily a shock considering he'd just got off his flight and successfully landed back in Cali.

Back to his big cold apartment. 

He lazily unlocks his door and throws his suitcase somewhere in the right-most corner of the room. The first thing he does when he gets inside is throw himself onto his living room couch. So tired.

The second thing he does is open up his carry-on bag and take out his newest pack of cigarettes. Before he can light it, his phone buzzes on the coffee table before him and he knows exactly who it's from.

Tyj: Hey J

Tyj: Just checking to see ifyoumade it to LA in onepiece

Tyj: Already miss u bro

He lights his cig before grabbing his phone and reading the messages. He doesn't feel like replying.

Instead, he tosses his phone onto the table before him and lays back down on the sofa. Josh looks up at the white of his ceiling. His eyelids feel so heavy.

_'Dream, dream, dream, dream, dream, dream, dream,'_

When the voice isn't whispering poison-ridden words into Josh's ear, it's usually repeating something over and over again in the back of his mind; until it no longer has meaning. It's enough to drive someone insane. _Hell_ , its already drove Josh insane.

It's scary and oh, so tiring. He wants nothing more than to rest his eyes. Just for a few minutes. Or days. Or forever. The constant murmuring in his head makes him want to rip his eyeballs out, more or less, his brain too.

_'Joshie just wants to sleep, Joshie just wants peace,'_

The nickname his closest friend had given him, now forever ruined by the haunting lull of the darkness in his head.

"Stop. Leave me alone!" His ears ring and he can taste his heart in his throat.

_'You know just how to make it stop, Joshie.'_

It's dark and distorted, bouncing off the walls of his brain. In matters of seconds, everything is so _loud_ again.  
  
  


You can't blame someone for wanting freedom, can you? Even for just a little bit?  
  
  


And so Josh takes the burning cigarette in one hand and presses it forcefully to his wrist; over and over and over again. With a heavy heart and tears in his eyes, the voice laughs perilously.

_'Good boy, Joshie.'_

The darkness is quiet. Not silent, but quiet. He drops the smoke and looks down at his newfound wounds and he cries. He cries at what he's done and what he's become.

He cries because maybe he deserves it.  
  
  


Josh picks himself up from the couch. He finds his way into the bathroom, opens the medicine cabinet and takes out the small black bottle of over-the-counter sleeping meds before making his way back to the living room.

"Just want to nap," He thinks before taking three pills, two more than the recommended dosage. This way he can fall asleep before the voice can stop him.

_'Dream, dream, dream,'_

Josh lays back on the sofa with his phone buzzing continuously in the background. He falls asleep as soon as his eyes shut.  
  
  


_'Dream, dream, dream, dream.'_  
  
  


_____________________  
  
  


"Something wrong, Tyj?"

Tyler was currently sitting in his and Jenna's bedroom, his legs crossed and his eyes on his phone.

"Hm?" He looks up at his wife. "Yeah, actually."

Tyler pats the spot next to him on the bed and Jenna moves to sit next to him.

"Look, I texted Josh four days ago and no response. It says he's read it but he never ever leaves me on read. Emphasis on ever." He tilts his phone and shows the messages to the blond.

"I also texted him two days ago and yesterday but he didn't read those."

"Oh. At least you know that he landed safely. I'm sure he's just making use of his time off." Jenna leans into the brunette and rubs gently circles into his back.

"I just hope he's taking care of himself. He seemed kinda down during the last few months of the tour." Tyler looks at his phone before shutting it off and turning it upside down.

"Ty, I guarantee he's probably just busy. I can talk to Jordan if that'll ease your worries?"

"It's alright. I'm probably just overthinking things anyway. I've known Josh for years and he almost always comes to me when somethings wrong."

"See!" Jenna smiles her bubbly smile and gets up from the bed. "Now come downstairs I made sushi."

"Mmhm." Tyler nods as his wife leaves the room. He still has a gut feeling that something is wrong. Its an uneasy knot in his stomach and suddenly Tyler can't even fathom what he'd do if something was genuinely unsound with his best friend. He doesn't _want_ to fathom.  
  
  


So instead he goes downstairs to eat sushi with Jenna.  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i love jenna gn


	4. Fourth Time;

  
  


"You've been pretty distant these last few months." Tyler sighs over the phone. Josh couldn't avoid him forever. Especially since Tyler had recently finished writing for the new album and it was time for Josh to fly over to Columbus and help him work on beats.

"Sorry, dude. Just been busy with, uh, life... things." Josh mumbles, sliding deeper under his white bed sheets.

"It's fine. Just miss you, is all." Silence. "I sent you your flight details for tonight, by the way. Can't wait to fricken' shred, bro." Josh laughs for the first time in a while.

"Ya' didn't have to pay for my ticket. I could've bought it myself."

"It's no big deal. Just means that when I visit you in California you can pay for my ticket." Tyler smiles from where he's sat in his basement. "Got you first class n' everything."

"Yep, I'm sooo thankful." His voice drips with sarcasm.

"You should be! Anyway, I gotta help prepare for my nieces' party. Call me when you get to the airport so I can pick you up, okay?"

Josh lets out a sound of approval and Tyler hangs up.

 

Josh was anxious, to say the least. He's spent the last few months in bed and as far away from the internet as possible. The voice tells him not to answer anyone's calls or look at Twitter, they're all just trying to tell him how worthless he is anyway.

He's also taken down all the mirrors in his apartment, he hates the way his body looks; so thin and pale along with the color of his faded hair (he thinks it resembles dead roses). He can't seem to sleep either, the demon in his head only rewarding him with a few hours of peace if he does something unforgivable.

It sickens him knowing what he's done to himself just for some quiet.

What the tired boy is worried about the most is his ability to play. With his new 'trait' of smoking and alcohol (he only picks up the bottle when he really needs to numb his emotions) he knows he'll be out of breath by the third song.

His thoughts are only disturbed when his stomach growls. It was almost past midday, he should be out of bed anyway.

Josh makes his way into the kitchen, his vision blurring slightly when he stands up. When he opens the fridge to milk and a few slices of turkey he can't help but frown. He remembers he's been living off of Ubereats since the tour concluded and decides to drink a glass of water instead.

He doesn't eat anything for the rest of the night.  
  
  
  
  
  


____  
  
  
  
  
  


_'Wonder what Tylers going to say when he sees the state you're in.'_

Josh turns his music up a little louder.

_'All boney with bags under your eyes. He'll be disgusted.'_

"He-" It was almost a habit for him to reply to the voice out loud. As he spent most of his time alone, he had reason to. Luckily, no one was sitting next to him on the plane. That would've been a very awkward encounter.

_'What a shame. All of his love and friendship wasted on someone like you.'_

Josh turns his music as high as he can and hopes Tyler doesn't hate him as much as he thinks he does.  
  
  
  
  
  


After three endless hours, the plane lands and Josh is one of the first people to grab his luggage and leave. He pulls his hoodie over his head, makes his way through security and then he's calling Tyler to pick him up from the airport.  
  
  
  
  
  


"So how have you been, man? Like, actually. How have you been?" Tyler asks through the silence of the car. It was almost 9:00 and the only thing lighting up the vehicle was the street lights zooming by in a faded yellow.

"I've been alright. I haven't been practicing my drums lately, though." Josh blinks.

"I mean, it _is_ a hiatus for a reason. Gotta take a break, y'know."

"Mhm." Josh nods.

"I feel like an annoying girlfriend asking this, but how come you haven't been answering my calls n' stuff?" Tyler's hands start to tap slowly on the steering wheel. A nervous tick.

"I was, was catching up on sleep." The faint redhead gives as much of a reassuring smile as he can.

"Sleep? For eight months? I get sleeping on a moving, cramped bunk isn't exactly ideal but- Jeez, did you catch up on a lot of sleep." Tyler laughs as he pulls into a private residential area. Josh can't quite see that well but he notices the large number of trees around them.

The forest always seemed to fit Tyler; so it isn't a shock why he's moved here.

"Is Jenna home?" Josh asks when the car pulls into the driveway of a modern, wooden home. Kind of like a cottage, but not a cottage.

"No. She went on this cruise thing with two of her friends. She won't be back for the next week so I'm happy I get to spend most of my alone time with my bro."

"Oh, cool." When Josh carries his duffel bag inside, he can't help but feel like an intruder; as if he doesn't belong.

"God, it's about time. I know I've already said this, but it feels like forever since I've seen you." Tyler mumbles as he heads for the living room and turns the TV on.

"I know. It's my fault for not staying in contact with anyone. Sorry if I worried you." Josh places his baggage near the stairway before joining Tyler on the black couch.

"You've got nothing to be sorry for, Joshie. Everyone needs their space. Everyone needs a break." Tyler reassures his friend but it only seems to spike his anxiety.

He used to love when Tyler called him by the childhood nickname, but now it only reminds him of late, late nights when the demon is screaming terror into his head.

"I guess." Josh's hands start to tremble so he hides them in his pockets.  
  
  


The two quietly watch the show displayed on the TV, simply enjoying each others presence until they both fall asleep.

 

.

 

Sadly for Tyler, sleep is cut short by something blaring in the background. It takes him a moment to slip out of the haze between what was real and what wasn't, but when he does, he realizes that the 'blaring' wasn't blaring. 

It was screaming.

"MAKE THEM STOP, MAKE THEM STOP, MAKE THEM STOP!!-" Tyler blinks his tired eyes. When he looks to his right he sees his friend curled into a ball with his hands clasped tightly against his ears.

"STOP STOP STOP! MAKE THEM STOP!!"  The boy convulsed in the corner of the couch as if he was on the verge of exploding.

"Josh, shh, calm down, baby. It's not real." When Tyler lays a shaky hand on Josh's shoulder, he only jerks away and stares at the brunette with the most frightened eyes. He's not even staring at him, he's staring _past_ him. Like there was something horrifying behind Tyler that Josh just couldn't explain.

"Josh, look at me. Breath with me." Tyler places both of his hands on Josh's cheeks, forcing him to look him in the eyes. With the help of Tyler's breathing technique, Josh slowly but surely eases back into reality. 

It was just another one of his night terrors. They always felt so real, so vivid.

"Oh god," Josh stutters when he sees Tylers calm, confused eyes.

"Josh, what's going on? Are you ok?" Concern was evident in his voice.

"Think 'm fine. Just a bad dream is all." Josh gives his friend a fake smile. Too bad Tyler sees right through it.

"You were screaming. Bad dreams don't just... make people scream."

"Don't worry about it, it's normal." Josh's smile falters. 

He wasn't lying about it being normal. When the tour ended and he was back in LA, he used to have terrible nightmares that left him in a pool of his own sweat. As time progressed, the nightmares turned into sleep paralysis and demons stalking around his room. All he could do was scream in horror. It was all in his head anyway. 

"I don't- I don't think that's normal. Tell me what's going on inside your head, Joshie. Please." Tyler tilts his head, concern and confusion mixed in his voice.

He looks so tired.

So, so tired.

_'You've woken him up with your stupid antics and you think you have the right to stress him out more with what's happened to your shitty life?'_

"I-"

_'Don't bother boring him, Joshua. He doesn't care. It's all pity. It was always pity.'_

Josh frowns at the voice in his head. Maybe it was right. Tyler would never care about Josh. Disgusting, boring, stressful Josh.

"I'm kinda sleepy. Can we talk about it in the morning?"

"Of course we can." Tyler smiles a sleepy smile and embraces his friend in a hug.

 

 

 

 

When the sun rises that morning, Josh prays that Tylers forgotten about the night before.

"Mornin' Joshua. Want eggs?"

Lucky for him, he has.  

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the world doesn't have enough josh-centric fics which makes me sad, I came to water the lane. even if this water is trash


	5. Final Time;

  
  


"I just think it'd be cool if you went like _'not done, badadachch, Josh dun'_. You know what I mean." Tyler twirls around in his swivel chair whilst clicking his pen continuously.

"Mhm. That'd be cool to play live, too." Josh comments.

The two were in Tyler's basement, or his home studio. While more than most of the writing process was done, they still had to implement Josh's drums and the beats. It was actually pretty fun and it let the red-haired man get his mind off of some things.

"God!" Tyler stretches and leans back in his chair. "My back hurts. You wanna go get somethin' to eat?"

"Sure." Josh gets up from his own chair. "Where?"

"I know this super good burger place that's usually really empty, especially on weekdays." Josh follows Tyler to his car. Josh didn't have a car. Of course, he could afford one, a _really_ nice one at that. He just didn't see the point of driving around crowded LA when he could just Uber. It's not like he was really leaving his apartment unless for business reasons anyway. (or for the last few months, a smoke break.)

 

When Tyler pulls into the parking lot of the burger place, he sees what Tyler means by 'really empty, especially on weekdays.' The lot is completely empty besides one other car.

"Jenna and I go here whenever we're too lazy to make real food." Tyler opens the restaurant door for his friend before walking in behind him.

Josh looks around and notices the pretty blue walls, a pastel blue and yellow color. The next thing he notices is an elderly couple sitting in the middle of the eatery.

"They're always here. Such a lovely couple." Tyler smiles and waves to the two elders before taking a seat in a booth near the corner of the restaurant. Josh follows closely behind.

Josh picks up the menu. It all looked so good, but that was probably because he hadn't eaten anything this morning or yesterday.

_'Don't eat the food, Josh. It's bad.'_

"How's it bad?" Josh murmurs to himself as quietly as he can.

"What was that, Josh?" Tyler hadn't bothered looking up from his menu.

"Nothing. Just questioning what to get."

"I recommend the steak burger meal combo." Tyler looks up finally to a waitress approaching them.

Josh orders what Tyler recommended and Tyler gets a simple cheeseburger.

The two spark up conversation before the food arrives, and when it does, Josh wavers between disgusted and entranced.

It looks so good and he's starving but the smell is overwhelming and something tells him its no good.

_'Josh don't touch it, it'll kill you. Don't eat the food, Josh. Everyone hates you. They want you dead. They put something in it.'_

The thought scares him. What if it was right?

Josh looks down at the greasy food in front of him and almost retches. He wasn't that hungry anyway.

"You're not hungry?" Tyler points his attention to his friend.

"Not really." Josh tries to give him a neutral expression.

"You didn't even have breakfast. I don't think you ate anything last night either." Tyler swallows the last of the food in his mouth and looks worriedly at the red-head. It takes him a second, but at that moment he realizes how skinny Josh is. Not terribly boney or anything; he's just lost a large bit of weight since the last he saw him. He also notices how Josh'll disappear into his own world sometimes.

"I'll just pack it up to go. I can eat it after we're done rehearsing later today." Josh gives him a reassuring smile before placing his fork back down on the table. Tyler nods hesitantly and continues to eat his burger.

 

As soon as the two men get back to Tyler's house, Josh tosses the to-go-box of food in the trash.

 

_____

 

As expected on this trip, Josh hadn't been able to catch a smoke break. He and Tyler spent almost all their time together, so there was little to no room for him to pardon himself. 

They were back to work in Tyler's basement that evening. This time, they were editing some lyrics.

More so, Tyler was editing the lyrics.

Josh sat and watched.

Not gonna lie, it's a tad bit discouraging; watching your friend create and destroy anything at the top of their head. 

His hands start to shake.

"Ty, I'm gonna get some air." Josh gets up from his seat.

Tyler responds with an 'Mhm' and the latter makes his way up the basement stairs and out the back door in the kitchen.

Tyler's backyard is beautiful and quaint. There's a well-kept garden (props to Jenna) next to a moderately sized pond. 

He takes off his shoes and sits on the rocks at the edge of the pond before taking out a new pack of cigarettes. 

He knows Tylers not going to come out looking for him. He doesn't even think he actually heard him say he was getting some fresh air.

So he inhales the nicotine into his lungs and exhales all his anxiety and paranoia, the water at his feet only calming him down further.

 

 

Tyler joins Josh outside a few minutes after he puts out his second cigarette. The sun had just barely set.

"You've been out here a while." Tyler moves to sit next to his friend on the rocks.

"Must've lost track of time." Josh sighs keeping his eyes on the purplish-blue sky. "Didn't think you needed me so I decided to sit outside. Y' don't really get this natural beauty in California."

"'Course I need you, Josh." Tyler dips his feet into the water and starts to slosh it around.

Josh's heart starts to sting a little bit. "No. I'm just the drums. You're everything else."

Tyler opens his mouth and looks at the dull red-head before closing it and turning back to look at his feet in the water.

"But that's ok! We make awesome music and I wouldn't have it any other way." Josh tries to bring up the mood that he'd brought down.

Tyler gives him a warm smile before looking up at the blue sky. 

Silence.

"Wanna watch Netflix?"

"Sure." Josh grabs his shoes from the grass and follows the brunette inside.

 

 

_____

 

Josh wakes up around 2 AM. Not an uncommon thing really. Usually, he's woken by nightmares that were somehow worse than the ones before. But this time its something new. When he sits up in the bed, he sees it. A tall, dark shadow, looming at the doorway.

It's not necessarily scary (compared to what he's used to seeing), but it's definitely intriguing.

It calls for him.

When he gets to the doorway the _thing_ disappears. He looks around the room confused before opening the door to an empty hallway.

He's ready to close back the door and go back to bed when he hears it again.

_'Downstairs, Josh. Come downstairs. The downstairs bathroom.'_

And as usual, he follows.

Josh feels like a puppy, walking into the bathroom so blindly. He doesn't quite know what he's even doing in there until an almost transparent, dark hand hands him a weapon.

_'Do it, Josh.'_

"I don't- what do you want me to do with this?" Josh looks at the blade in his hand.

 _'You know exactly what. Don't make us do it for you.'_  

It's deep and venomous and Josh feels it in his bones.

"Why? What if Tyler sees?" Josh asks aloud.

 _'He won't care. He doesn't want you around and quite frankly, he could barely tolerate you.'_ The demon spits at him. 

"I don't want to bleed to death in Tylers home. I _can't_ ruinanother thing for him." Josh rolls up his sleeve. His arm littered with small, circular burns and cuts that have barely healed.

_'We don't all get what we want, Joshie. Now press the razor to your arm. Or can you not do even that right?'_

Josh stays silent and follows the demons orders. Seems like he really can't do anything on his own.

He angles the blade and drives a slit through his forearm, deeper than usual. He doesn't feel numb anymore. He feels guilt and sorrow.

The blood drips down his arm, some on the counter, the rest in the sink. It's messy. _Really_ messy. And it burns worse than the cigarettes he used to press to his skin.

"..Ah, I don't think I-"

_'One more Joshy, c'mon. Don't disappoint me.'_

Josh grips the sink and tries to even out his breathing, the world was tilting.

He wasn't losing a mass amount blood, but the sight made him dizzy enough to pass out. He could barely bring the blade to his wrist again, but he does.

 _'Don't you just love the way it runs, Josh? Draw another line for me, darling.'_ The shadow paces around him in slow circles.

It's only when he drags the razor through his arm a fourth time that he hears something at the doorway.

"J-Josh..." 

The shadow fades.

Sure enough, when he turns, his best friend is standing from afar with his eyes blown wide and a distinct frown on his face. He looked like he'd just witnessed a murder. He looked mortified.

"Tyler- I, it's not... I didn't, I didn't mean-" The weapon drops from Josh's bloody hands, landing on the pretty white tiles of the bathroom floor.

"Joshua, you... you're-" Tyler edges closer the red man as if he was taming a wild lion.

He almost flinches away when the brunette reaches for his arm.

"You're destroying yourself, Josh. You cant-" Tyler uses his thumb to wipe away the blood dripping almost rapidly down his arm, only managing to smear it.

"I-I'm so sorry, Tyj. I was- I thought- the voice said- and-" He talks in unintelligible sputters, interrupted by his own cries. 

He can't even comprehend how good the arms around him feel until Tyler engulfs him. All he can do is stand there and sob into his friend's shoulder.

"Shh, baby. We're gonna clean you up and relax, ok?" Josh nods and he feels like a child.

 A useless, bothersome child. 

"Joshua?" Tyler questions as he bends to reach the first aid kit under the sink. "Why've you done this to yourself?"

Josh opens his mouth but no words come out. His body shakes. He wants to tell him, something won't let him.

"Shh no, Josh, it's ok. You don't have to tell me. Not now, at least." Tyler sits the redhead on the toilet seat before taking his arm in hand and cleaning it thoroughly, then bandaging it up.

It's worrying how good Tyler is at handling a situation like this.

 

 

"Joshua, what's been going on these past few months? The only way I can help you is if you let me in." Tyler mumbles into the others faded hair.

The two sat idle on the living room sofa together, laying as close as they could to each other while still being comfortable. Tyler refused to leave Josh's side.

"I can't- I- I don't know if I can tell you." Josh stutters. "I'm scared it'll make me hurt myself again."

It's only then that everything dawns on Tyler.

Tyler thinks back to the end of tour. The anxiety attacks, the running, the hiding. It all starts to piece together and he just wants to punch himself in the face for how long it took for him to see it.

"It won't hurt you, Josh. Not when I'm here. I won't let it." Tyler sits up and turns Josh around so he's looking into his eyes.

"I'll listen to you all night, Joshua. I'm not letting go till we both see the light." Josh feels a lump in his throat and his heart throbs. He wants to stop thinking that this is all out of guilt and pity.

 

He wants to stop hiding.

 

Maybe Tyler can help him.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the end, gn

**Author's Note:**

> hope whoever decides to read this likes it so far, THIS IS MY FIRST ANGST I DONT REALLY KNOW WHAT IMD OING BUT IM TRYING MY BEST


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